Why God is a Hard Friend

Lately, I've been immersed in the relationship research of John Gottman. 

If you've ever read Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink," you'll recognize Gottman as the researcher who can very accurately predict whether a married couple will divorce in the future, based on analyzing the dynamics of a brief, recorded interaction between the two.

Great stuff; and Gottman's books are highly recommended. But this focus on what makes human relationships strong, and what makes them weak, has also got me thinking about a common phrase:

A relationship with God (or, a relationship with Jesus)

It's easy to be a Pharisee... Just memorize a bunch or rules, or scripture passages, and quote them at people (or yourself).  But when I talk to people who have honestly tried to build a relationship with the Divine (or read honest memoirs of those who have), I hear words and phrases like this:

Drift. Lost the fire. Left your first love. Backslidden. Doubts.

Gottman's research has helped me understand (at least one reason) why.

In human relationships (friends, partners, co-workers, etc) people make "bids" all the time. Little gestures of reaching-out to the Other. In essence, these are "requests" for connection.  In healthy relationships, Gottman found that these bids are met by "turning towards" over 80 percent of the time. For example, if I'm reading in bed, and my wife sighs deeply while she's over working on the computer, that's a bid. I have three basic choices: I can turn towards ("Something wrong, honey?"); I can turn away (by saying nothing); or I can turn against ("Why is it always a dramatic sigh with you? Grow up.")

Unhappy couples have a much higher incidence of turning away, or turning against, and over time this feeds the lost of trust ("I make a bid for connection, and you're not there for me.") Which leads to the breakdown of relationship.


See the connection?


A relationship with God means that we trust, deeply, that God is "there for us."  Not that we mouth platitudes and say that this is true, but that He has proven it (and continues to prove it).


So what happens when God lets us down? When we come up against that "betrayal barrier" (Dr. James Dobson) or we feel "Disappointment with God" (Philip Yancey)...?


Gottman found that if couples can "attune"...talk these inevitable "attachment injuries" over and come to some resolution, then the hurts are forgotten and forgiven, and the relationship continues strong. But if the couple nurses unresolved angers and disappointments, over time trust erodes, and faith in the relationship dissolves.

I'm thinking here of the person who's been kicked around by life...maybe in their 20's, but more likely in their 40's and 50's... and gradually over time have come to believe, through experience, that "God's not there for me the way I used to feel."

Unresolved disappointments. Unanswered prayers. Questions without satisfying answers.

I think Gottman's work shows us part of the process by which a relationship with God can weaken over time.

 
 

Writing is an Unhealthy Endeavor

I was thinking during my morning exercise about the importance of balance...and how the process of writing can pull you out of that.

Then, when I got to the computer, I read this.

Which just reinforced my thinking: Writers are sedentary creatures. Or can be, if we're not careful.  I know I've gone through stages during the 10+ years I've been seriously writing where too much sitting, not enough time, and too many cappuccinos led to unwanted baggage around the middle.

Three strategies I use to avoid the Writer's Hunchback:

1) I often write in a reclined position.  Since I like to write (and edit) with a paper & pen instead of at the computer, I'm free to adopt whatever posture I choose. Many times, I choose to write in a reclined position, so my back isn't curved forward over a keyboard. If you can sit at a keyboard and maintain healthy posture, you deserve an A+!  But many people find that difficult.

2) I get outside every chance I get.  I love hiking, and just being outdoors. So when I'm not writing, I get up and moving...outside if possible. While I'm at it, I may eat a few bacteria for good measure.

3) I love my kettlebell!  If you're not familiar, a kettlebell is like a cannon ball with a handle, and it's a fantastic workout tool. With just this one piece of equipment, (plus other basic body-weight exercises) I can get a complete workout that tones and strengthens the entire body. The kettlebell provides cardio, strength, flexibility and balance training. And it does this with very little space required, no need to go to an expensive or inconvenient gym, and with minimal time requirements.

In 20 minutes, I can start my day with exercise just as vigorous (or gentle) as I want it to be.

Check it out:

Kettlebell demo 

And one for the ladies:

Kettlebell demo (female) 

Exercise is healthy for your body & your brain....and necessary to balance all that "Seat-of-the-Pants" time. What are your favorite ways of breaking out of the Sedentary Writer rut?

Home Stretch

This feels good to say:  Primary Source is less than 10 chapters away from being edited.

It's starting to feel real, now... and maybe by January or February 2012 I'll have a tangible book to show in exchange for many years of effort.

Most importantly, I'm happy with how it's turning out. Whether "successful" or not, the final product represents the kind of story I set out to write.

I think that's the best kind of success...

One Man's "Meh..."

My daughter recently completed an art project for her class at junior college.

It's a black wire sculpture, full of twists and loops and spirals; looks something like a demented bird cage from a steampunk novel.

I genuinely loved it, and told her so. (For the record, I'm also honest with her when something she creates doesn't "reach" me)

Next day, she "tested the work out" with her teacher before officially turning it in.  Teacher let her know in no uncertain terms that she found it inferior.

So Daughter is discouraged & back to the drawing board, and I have a new decoration for my office.

I'm sorry for her, but that's the nature of art...any art.  And it's a good reminder for me, as I inch closer to publishing my first novel.

I can take any story I've ever loved, and go to Amazon and find 1-star reviews from people who hated it.  Vice versa, as well.

Any novel, any painting, any song is just a Projection test... a person's reaction tells you far more about the person than it does about the creation.

Determination

Been doing some reading lately on the subject of Will Power and Determination. 

Some interesting research being done on these topics, and it certainly relates to the endeavor of writing (Or the attainment of any goal).

One of the more recent findings has to do with the power of publicity...and accountability. Researchers have proven in a number of studies that "going public" with a goal is an important motivator. The drive to avoid embarrassment, maybe?  Or social support? Or a combination.

Another finding: Religious people tend to take a "higher" view of purpose, and this helps them through the tough times. If you focus only on the here and now, it's easy to get discouraged. If you keep your vision fixed on the eventual goal (the "why" instead of the "how") it tends to guard against discouragement. 

A third concept: "Pre-commitment."  An effective strategy for maintaining motivation and drive is realize ahead of time what your chief temptations will be.  What is most likely to side-track you from your goal?  By recognizing these sticking points in advance, you are more likely to avoid their destructive effects.

Put a plan in place to shield yourself from the distraction.  And if you can't avoid the distraction altogether, decide ahead of time how you will respond to it when it shows up.

Being True to Yourself

I'm thinking more lately about the importance of being authentic.

Of being who you are, despite a plethora of voices telling you who to be, how to be.

And I suppose that for me, the journey towards publication has been a catalyst for these thoughts. The "business of publishing," to judge from the blogs of writers and editors and publishers, is filled with advice, maxims, commands.

Conventional wisdom.

While I believe in "absolute truth" in a theological sense, there are many, many "truths" of life (and business, and publishing) that are nothing more than thinly-disguised opinions. As I get older, I find myself becoming more weary of these, and the voices that propagate them.

In our culture, we worship the god of Confidence.  And too much reliance on the Confident will lead you into a labyrinth in which you lose the essence of You.

I want to be true to the pattern God constructed for me.  Wherever that path leads.

If you're interested, I'll be sharing some observations on "what's true for me" over the coming months.

Agree or disagree, at least you'll know.

Separate Your Obstacles

By any measure, this fall has been an extraordinarily busy time.


The "real job" has been almost all-consuming, while my editor & I continue edits on the novel (up to Chapter 12 now.... ) and family responsibilities continue on...


I've been trying to practice what I preach, and be nice to myself by lowering the expectations wherever I can.  I take time out for nature hikes, give myself permission not to blog, enjoy the NFL football season, and take things one day at a time.


In Driver's Ed class many years ago, my teacher preached the doctrine of "Separate your obstacles."  Meaning, if you're approaching a narrow bridge *and* an oncoming vehicle, slow down and take these hazards one at a time...not simultaneously.


That principle has stuck with me all my life, and I'm repeating the phrase to myself a lot, recently...